Tuesday, May 22, 2007

It's the bubbles.

I love seltzer. There is depth and sacrifice to my love. A few nights ago, I was thirsty and left the house, drove to the store in the next town, and bought some seltzer. Not once during this whole situation did it occur to me to drink water out of the tap. Not once. It has become seltzer or nothing.

It's the bubbles. This goes way back. Back in college, I fell in with a bad crowd and I began drinking Mountain Dew. I'm not talking about casual drinking; rather I'm talking about six cans a day. I was in the grip of the sweet carbonated drink. If cut, I would bleed yellow.

Each can of Mountain Dew has about 200 calories. Multiply that by six and I was drinking over a thousand empty calories a day. I told myself that this has got to stop, and in the spirit of a heroin user switching to methadone, I switched to Diet Coke. After doing so, I promptly lost fifteen pounds and my climbing went up a number grade.

Then, I started thinking about aspertame and how it causes lab animals to both grow a third eye and begin talking in spanish. I never really cut down my consumption, I only switched drinks. It was still at about six cans a day. When people questioned my habit, I feigned humor and said, "Sure Diet Coke is bad for me, but everythings bad for me. I could get cancer from standing under flourescent lights." But secretly, I knew. Secretly I knew my habit was out of control and harmful.

This is where seltzer comes in. Again, I say it's the bubbles. I have scrutinized the labels of multiple brands of seltzer and I have come to the conclusion that seltzer is infact just water and bubbles. Often "natural flavors" are thrown in, but inasmuch as they don't seem to add calories, sodium, or sugar, I don't think they count.

So seltzer it is, for now.

It may really be a problem, though. I may be forced to admit it. When driving to the Gunks with my friend Jay, we drove past the Polar Seltzer factory in Worcester, MA. All talk of climbing ceased as he turned to me and said, "You want to stop, don't you."

1 comment:

Jason said...

What Jay failed to leave out about this episode is that he got a little "excited" at the sight of the polar seltzer bear. Quite disturbing to say the least!